I know what's what.
I know I recommend all these huge books that a lot of you guys aren't going to read. Maybe a few of you are going to pick up one of my recommends over the summer, but for the most part, I know all of you aren't running to the library in a mad dash to get the last copy of "Middlemarch." I checked UCLA's library records. There are still copies left. I'm so disappointed in all of you.
This is my disappointed face.
This is another disappointed face.
This is my last disappointed face.
This last one is my favorite . I'm like "Et tu, Brute? Et tu?"
But seriously, I know you all lead busy, busy, busy lives with little time to spare. I know it's hard to sink your teeth into a huge work of literature only to have to put it down for a few weeks when things get crazy in your life, try to pick it back up again after things stop being crazy, not remembering who any of the characters in the book are and having to start from the beginning of the book, only to have to put it down a week later when things get crazy again.
Which is why I have found for you a truly extraordinary book of short stories for you, in which brevity is the name of the game.
"Mindblowing" could also be the name of this book's game. As could be "Dazzling", "Genius" and "Divine."
It's a pretty killer game.
"The Bus Driver Who Wanted To Be God", you guys.
Can we just talk about how good this book is? (Note. That was a rhetorical question, we're totally talking about how good this book is)
Keret can get a story done in three pages. Five tops. And what incredible stories they are. These shorts are like looking at present-day Israel through a magical kaleidoscope. A girl works at a convenience store outside the mouth of Hell and falls in love with a doomed man who stops in for groceries. A child doesn't come to school one day, and every citizen of the town that visits his house thereafter mysteriously disappears. A woman has a hysterectomy and her uterus is so beautiful it is put in a museum. A hitman is hired to kill the best man he ever knew. An Arab rabble-rouser and an Israeli soldier face off in the most bizarre fight you're likely to read about for a while. A boy in shop class creates a large twisted pipe, crawls inside, and halfway through finds himself in Heaven.
As the cover says, these stories are warped AND wonderful. More wonderful than warped. But for sure a little warped.
And this book is so teeny and svelte. Look, this is me weighing it.
This book barely tipped the scale. I think it's like 1/8th of a pound. Guys, I was like 72 times the weight of this book when I was born! Do the math on that, mofos.So this book was amazing and because it's so teeny and cute you guys have no excuses for not reading it. You can read like 5 stories on the bus to school. You can read like the entire thing on the elliptical! This book is magic you guys, for reals.
On that note I thought Etgar Keret and his magicalness would be a nice segue into this theory I have. Okay, you guys, every Israeli person I meet is magical. I'm serious about this. Like when I was younger I used to be a counselor at this Jewish summer camp, and some of the kids were kind of possessed-- I mean they seriously needed the power of Christ to compel them. And the head of the camp, Itzik, all he would have to do is put his hand on a seemingly-in-need-of-an-exorcism kid's head and this child would just like all of a sudden turn into this docile, cheerful, fantastic camper. Itzik is such magic. You want more magic? A year and change ago, my computer died. And I took it to the computer store and they're like "Yeah, you're computer is dead, want to cough up a grand and a half for a new one?" And I'm like "No, but do I really have a choice?" And my Mom is like "Yes, you do! Ayal from Shul is a genius with computers!" So I bring my computer to Ayal and he RESURRECTS my COMPUTER from the DEAD! He totally LAZARUSED my computer! "Lazarus" is now a verb because of Ayal! Guys, even the computer store people whose JOB it is to do this couldn't bring my computer back. But Ayal could. Because of ISRAELI MAGIC! Last anecdote- my fried Lilach from UCLA is like seriously one of the most beautiful, wonderful girls I know, everyone's in love with her, how does she do it guys? ISRAELI GIRL BEAUTY MAGIC!
Now, I mean, I haven't met every Israeli ever, so this isn't, you know, a sound science. But so far every Israeli I've ever met has been magic, so my theory is of course, that all Israelis are magical. I have yet to be proven wrong on this point. I wish this extended to all Jewish people so I could be magic too. Well, half-magic, but whose counting? But alas, this is a privilege that is extended only to real Israelites. This is God's way of saying "See Kit, this is what happens when you keep Kosher and go to Shabbat every week and live in my Holy Land and do real Jew things."
I know, God, I know. I'm trying my best. I'll be awesome for you one day, but in the meantime I have to finish my Masters degree and write this blog so people can be smarter and better.
And God's like-- "Hmm-- well that's noble and honorable, tell you what, I'll make you just a little, teensy, tiny bit magical for right now and then when you become a good Jew you can get the rest of your magic then."
And I'm like "Yes!" and then God bounces, because he has to go have the rest of his Master of the Universe day.
I'm going to bounce now too, you guys. Back soon with something wonderful soon. In the meantime, ETGAR KERET, ETGAR KERET, ETGAR KERET!
Look how handsome and soulful he is! ISRAELI MAGIC, hooray, hooray!
I'm like half a percent magical now, apparently, according to God, but I am totally, completely, and always--
Affectionately yours,
Kit
